Wine Enthusiast Magazine
SubscribeShould Old Gender Roles at Dinner Disappear?
by Erika Strum
Recently, a friend passed on a thought-provoking article to me from the New York Times. In the piece, Frank Bruni took stock of the current state of gender roles in the dining out culture. In a time when women seem to be filling up just as many (if not more) seats at colleges than men and climbing high on corporate ladders in many spheres, it’s surprising that old-fashioned restaurant etiquette continues on. But is that a bad thing?
Personally, I never argue when served my meal first or when a chair is pulled out for me. I’m fine being offered the banquette so that I can see a view of the room, a ritual of fine dining. If the temperature is warm to accommodate me, I won’t demand that the thermostat be turned down. The fact is, it’s nice to enjoy these perks. And it’s chivalry. Right?
At the same time, I recognize the offense most women feel when reading a wine list and being passed over for the man when the order is taken. And I know there are women who accept being served first, but bristle when the check is assumed to be for the man. Can we have it both ways?
If women want to be considered on equal footing with men at the table, then maybe it isn’t right for us to quietly enjoy other old-fashioned privileges. I’m not calling for the end of chivalry. I’m one of the worst offenders of this type of double standard. My question is, should things change?
Should female gender privileges disappear at the dinner table? When you eat in a fine restaurant, do you still observe these rituals? I’d love to hear what some UnReserved readers, women and men alike, have to say.
Erika Strum is Internet Marketing Manager at Wine Enthusiast Companies. She first became involved in wine and technology by working in search engine optimization, completing her WSET Advanced Certification and starting her own personal blog, StrumErika.com.
Filed under: Opinions and Commentary, Restaurants and Food
8 Comments
8 Responses to “Should Old Gender Roles at Dinner Disappear?”
Please Wait
October 10th, 2008 at 11:33:03 AM
Double standard or just plain good manners?
I will miss them when they go.
I see two different issues here. One is simple gender bias ( staff ignoring the woman at the table when it is time to order, offering a wine list or the check).
The other issue is about being polite, which is cultural. So no, it does not give anyone license to behave like a Neanderthal just because I am able and willing to split the check.
There is a gray area we are discovering now.
I don’t care if I am served first at a restaurant. But this tradition, in my family anyway, originated from the fact that women had been slaving away to make dinner at home so they were served before the men (after dinner the men cleaned the kitchen).
Most intelligent waiters know better than to ignore the woman at the table nowadays.
This rarely happens anymore…at least not at restaurants I patronize.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:33:14 AM
I think it’s a matter of personal taste and discretion. People with good manners understand how to treat others politely and with dignity. They also know how to brush off a perceived “slight” that was not intended at them by the other person.
October 12th, 2008 at 2:51:07 PM
This is such a good topic. How about traditions at home like having dad sit at the head of the table? Does that bother anyone?
October 12th, 2008 at 3:03:04 PM
If it is obvious the woman is picking up the check, the woman should be served last, as the (man) host. This is not they wait staff are trained, but perhaps they should be.
October 12th, 2008 at 10:03:37 PM
Great topic, Erika. A little chivalry splattered here and there thrown in with a bit of double standards are okay once in awhile. The old-fashioned priviledges I don’t raise an eyebrow to, because usually it is done by a different generation. I can’t change their thinking and in the end, it would be me that would be disrespectful if I got in someone’s face about it.
Now days, when a chair is pulled out for me or a door is opened, I don’t even view it as chivalry but someone just being thoughtful. I open doors all the time for others. As long as a we are confident of who we are, I frankly don’t see a problem.
October 14th, 2008 at 10:16:43 AM
Are the guys too scared of being called chauvinistic to chime in on this one? You know, the great thing about a blog is you can reply with a pseudonym ;)
October 14th, 2008 at 12:53:35 PM
I’ll tell you what I have appreciated about the men in my family that have sat at the head of the table – - they were always the first ones in the kitchen to do the dishes.
October 21st, 2008 at 1:29:42 AM
As a man, who is also married (to a woman, another modern distinction that used to be implied) I LOVE when i can take my wife out to a dinner where they bring a menu sans prices. Reason being: on these rare and special occasions, my wife’s financial sensibilities usually run so counter to the cost of the meal as to render her incapable of enjoyment. This gut reaction of hers is independent of our financial status. She hates to think we are dropping a Bentley payment on dinner. So there.
As far as serving first, and what most here (myself included) call general manners, well, if being recognized and given special treatment for your sex, male or female, offends you, realize the spirit in which it is being given, and that you are an invisible minority that can only be recognized when you scoff at the waiter who pulls your chair out for you. Kudos to those estrogen carriers who had the uncommonly (and ironically) male quality known as the testicular fortitude to admit you enjoy the treatment. The Daughters of the Revolution will be revoking your cards…
If that is the worst part of your day/life/dining experience – thank the god of your choice for your elevated and rarified position in the universe