Wine Enthusiast Magazine
SubscribeTop 10 Unspoken Rules of Restaurant Service Etiquette
by Erika Strum
If you dine out with any regularity, it’s likely you have an opinion on how restaurant service should be. Whether you feel service is of prime importance or not, we all have our gripes. Recently, I had a particularly poor experience at a 2-Michelin-Star restaurant in NY. Since posting my recap this morning, I’ve been amazed at the number of people corralling to support me. And it makes sense! When you pay top dollar for a meal, people should treat you nicely. Oddly enough, I think too many people take service etiquette for granted. Not wanting to be curmudgeonly they keep opinions to themselves, making these rules unspoken.
Anyone who has dined with me knows I’m not shy about discussing these sticking points. So why not share with all of you? These are my top ten rules for providing great service, in no particular order. What are yours?
1. If a reserved table is not ready when a customer arrives and they have to wait any longer than 15 minutes, apologize and offer a complimentary cocktail or glass of wine.
2. When asking about water preferences, be as clear as possible. No one will be happy when they order a $20 bottle of Perrier by accident. Also, don’t make the customer feel bad if they want tap water. Asking “Bottled water or just tap?” creates this feeling.
3. Never make assumptions about someone’s wine knowledge. Ask a few questions to gauge their experience. (Just because I’m young and female, doesn’t mean I’m a novice!)
4. There is a certain rhythm to water and wine refills. Both need to be handled with enough frequency that the customer never pours for themselves but rarely enough, that they won’t feel rushed or intruded upon.
5. Good waitstaff are always available for patrons who might be seeking attention. Even when focused on something else, they should have their eyes peeled. A customer should not have to flail their arms to get somebody’s attention.
6. Do not ask if someone is finished when others are still eating that course. It makes those eating feel guilty and rushed.
7. Please do not clear plates until everyone is finished.
8. If I clean my plate, don’t make a comment about it. Yes, this girl likes to eat!
9. Please do not bring the bill until someone requests it.
10. Wait until the customer leaves to take the signed bill. It makes them feel rushed and it’s awkward to say goodbye after the tip is signed, even if the service was perfect.
In the end, your waiter/waitress is a person too and nobody is perfect. These are mere guidelines. But no matter what your profession, we should all aim to do a good job of it!
Filed under: Opinions and Commentary, Restaurants and Food
74 Comments
74 Responses to “Top 10 Unspoken Rules of Restaurant Service Etiquette”
Please Wait
January 6th, 2010 at 4:45:08 PM
11. Don’t call customers “we”. “Do we know what we want for dessert” and “are we done with our plates” come across as somewhere between a creepy insertion of the server into the meal and insulting baby talk.
January 6th, 2010 at 8:21:08 PM
#1 pet peeve {which unfortunately goes without saying by too many restaurants} is “thank you”. If I don’t get a thank you by at least one person {other than server when presenting check} on my way out, that venue is forever on “my list”.
January 7th, 2010 at 1:39:32 PM
I especially agree with items 6, 7 and 8 on your list. I would also add that I’ve often been turned off to a restaurant by the host/hostess at the front desk. They need to remember that I can spend my dollars anywhere and first impressions are very important. Often the host/hostess acts put-off by drop in diners. If you can’t fit me in (or there’s a long wait) no problem, no need to act rude about it. I’m much more likely to make a future reservation at your restaurant if you’re nice to me.
January 7th, 2010 at 1:45:53 PM
These are great additions! Thanks everyone.
January 7th, 2010 at 3:35:54 PM
#4 is especially important in relation to always letting the guest dictate the order of service. Additionally, I find that many servers fill my wine glass too full for comfort. I want to be able to swirl my wine without the fear of the accidental splash.
January 11th, 2010 at 2:23:03 PM
In response to #9, I prefer the server to quietly leave the bill on the table so I don’t have to ask for it and it’s there when I’m ready to pay. One of my pet peeves is having to wait forever to pay when I and my dining companions are ready to leave.
January 11th, 2010 at 2:26:41 PM
I have a food Allergy (Gluten) and I find it incredibly annoying when I have to
explain what thisallergy is, to a server. So many restaurants have gluten-free
menus or list gluten-free options on the menus itself. I often feel like the servers
are thinking to themselves “why did you come here if you can’t eat pasta”?
Servers should be trained to be sensitive to peoples allergies and at least know
what GLUTEN is!!
January 11th, 2010 at 4:48:00 PM
I AGREE WITH 3,4, 6, 7, AND 9. WORKING IN THE RESTAURANT BUSINESS FOR MANY YEARS, I AM USUALLY MORE INTERESTED IN GREAT SERVICE THAN WITH GREAT FOOD.
I FIND THAT GREAT SERVICE WILL ELEVATE YOUR EXPERIENCE AND YOU WILL RETURN EVEN IF THE FOOD IS JUST GOOD. ALSO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION OF PRICE. IF YOU ARE PAYING TOP DOLLAR FOR FOOD YOU BETTER HAVE GOOD QUALITY PRODUCTS ON YOUR MENU AND GREAT SERVICE. TODAY THAT COMBINATION IS VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND.hOWEVER,i DISAGREE WITH #1. OCCASIONALLY A RESTAURANT MAY FALL BEHIND IN TIMING EITHER DUE TO KITCHEN PROBLEMS AND CUSTOMERS WHO WANT TO CHAT FOR HOURS AND UNFAIRLY SIT AT A TABLE ON A VERY BUSY NIGHT. YOU CANNOT ASK PEOPLE TO LEAVE BECAUSE YOU NEED TO TURN OVER A TABLE, SO WAITING 30 MINUTES AT MOST SHOULD NOT BE PROBLEMATIC. HOWEVER, IT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN EVERY TIME YOU FREQUENT THE SAME RESTAURANT. THAT WOULD BE THE EXCEPTION WHERE COCKTAILS OR DESSERT ON THE HOUSE WOULD BE APPROPRIATE. REMEMBER AS A GENERAL RULE THAT MOST OF THE TIME A RESTAURANT MANAGER/CHEF/OWNER WILL TREAT YOU WITH THE SAME COURTESY IN WHICH YOU TREAT THEM.
DR. T
January 11th, 2010 at 5:41:34 PM
Having dined in fine dining and also served, I find #1 and #10 incompatible, the reason you may not be able to sit at your seat within 15 minutes time “maybe” the table hasn’t left yet. Picking up the signed check maybe your ‘clue’ that this table is needed. Would you rather the waiter or manger ask if you would like buy that nice couple a drink? Why you ask? They had reservations and had to wait more than 15 minutes. #5 Good wait staff will tell you their name, let me tell you a polite “Karen” will get you greater service than whistling or flagging down someone down like they a 747. If you want a polite and respectful wait staff then give respect. People, who haven’t worked in the service industry, are amazed what good service I get when I treat the people that are serving you like people and not your personal servants.
January 12th, 2010 at 1:48:08 AM
Dru, if you mean you are upset when you don’t get a “thank you” from the paid staff at a restaurant then you need to unbind your panties and throw away your “list”. Don’t you realize those “thank yous” are typically gratuitous, unctuous and phony. Why do you so desperately need a stranger to “thank” you? A polite “good night” is enough.
January 16th, 2010 at 6:36:35 PM
I also do not agree with #10. Too many times the person who pays the check takes both copies of the credit card receipt, leaving the server with no tip. If they pay with cash, there might not be enough cash left to cover the bill. It might not be intentional but it happens quite frequently.
January 18th, 2010 at 3:26:59 PM
Regarding #4, I don’t want anyone refilling my wine glass without asking me. With wine I want to be able to keep track of how much I’ve consumed, and I hate it when I’ve emptied my glass and consider that I’ve finished my wine, then someone dumps more wine into the glass. Either I have to consume more wine than I intended to, or it goes to waste. Really, I prefer to pour my own wine – it’s called portion control.
Numbers 9 and 10 are also tricky. I don’t like having to ask for the check, especially if it means 10 or 20 minutes of trying to spot my waiter and get his/her attention so that I can request the check (I agree with CMarlin there). And I almost never get up and leave the payment lying on the table, even if it’s just a filled-in and signed credit card receipt. I want to KNOW that my server got the payment and it didn’t go astray. And I don’t feel “rushed” or “awkward” if the payment is picked up before I leave, as long as the picking-up isn’t immediately followed by a busboy who starts clearing the table while I’m still sitting there!
January 18th, 2010 at 6:32:03 PM
With regards to #1, Why do you think that you’re entitled to a free beverage is the table is not ready within 15 minutes? 30 minutes plus, maybe. It’s great if the manager wants to do that, but to expect it is ridiculous. Bars & restaurants are first and foremost a business, and a sure way to find yourself out of business is to give away your product. Which brings me to #2. I live in Chicago and don’t believe that there is ever a reason to order bottled water, but when dining in parts of the country where the tap water is not as good as it is here (Phoenix for example) I do like to have the option. Restaurants can charge for bottled water and not tap water so of course they are going to use that very subtle verbal cue. It’s called salesmanship. As a former manager & server I want you to spend as much money in the establishment as possible. As a frequent diner, I want the restaurants that I like to be profitable so that I can continue to patronize them. Number 3 is reasonable, number 5 is dead on, and I mostly agree with number 4. I can’t tell you how many times I have spilled all over my tie because the water was not kept filled and the ice was stuck to the bottom of the water glass and came crashing into my face when I went for my drink. I know that it is proper wine service to keep the wine glasses full. In many restaurants you’ll get an overzealous server or busboy who dumps half a bottle of wine into your glass filling it to the rim; this I would call bad service. I prefer to pour my own wine after the initial taste and don’t mind at all if that’s what ends up happening.
Numbers 6&7 go together. I personally despise having dirty plates sitting in front of me or anywhere on the table for that matter and prefer it when they are taken away as soon as I am finished whether my dinner companions are finished or not. I also know that this is a personal quirk, so if this doesn’t happen I don’t get all up in arms.
Number 8 – Are you serious? Are you sure that your server isn’t just trying to build rapport? Perhaps trying to seem friendly in order to enhance the experience or tip?
Number 9 – In the US and especially big cities, and notably NYC people are generally in a rush. I hate it when I have to flag down the server to ask for a check, if they put the check on the table and I’m not finished it just sits there, it doesn’t hurt anyone.
There’s just no way that a server can comply with #10. Having served and managed, you simply have to check the bill before the patron leaves. If the patron doesn’t sign the credit card receipt, they can easily challenge the bill through the credit card company. If the restaurant doesn’t have a signed and fully completed copy, then the charges are going to be reversed 100% of the time. This kind of thing happens all of the time. Many establishments will make the server pay the bill in these situations.
Looking at these 10 “unwritten rules” tells me much more about the author than it does about good service. An evening out to dinner goes something like this: Arrive at a crowded restaurant, when we aren’t seated immediately (because the restaurant is crowded) you sidle up to the bar and try to get a free drink. We sit down but by the time we’re through with the wine list it’s become clear that you have no self esteem; you are made to “feel bad” because you ordered “just tap water” and although the restaurant was so busy that we had to wait more than 15 minutes for our table you’ve gotten snippy with our server because in he/she couldn’t read your mind and figure out that you’re one of the 2 out of 100 people that knows anything about wine. The wine comes, we have our first glass and order dinner. The restaurant is packed, but you can’t be bothered to extend your arm and pour yourself a second glass. You sit there stewing until I pour it for you. I finish my glass of water and ask the server to send the busboy over with more when he has a chance, it is busy tonight after all. You begin to whine about how awful the service is. I begin to think about how quickly I want the evening to end when the appetizers come. You continue to crow about how awful the restaurant is while I enjoy my half of the appetizers. I’m finished with my half and you would be too if only you’d stop complaining and put some food into your big mouth. The busboy takes my plate and dirty silverware away, this really sets you off. You call over the manager to complain, and as we’re finishing our entrees he/she comes over to see how everything is going. As you rehash all of the complaining that you’ve done for the last 35 minutes, I text message a friend telling him to call me with an emergency so that I can bring the evening to a merciful end. The manager sends over a comp dessert and as we’re finishing coffee the server drops the check by our table, and looks at our clean plates and offhandedly notes that we sure must have liked dessert and that is his/her favorite. You scowl, I guess that the therapist that you’ve been seeing because you have “body image issues” is going to be working overtime next week. I quickly pay the bill which the server checks for accuracy at the server station. It turns out that I forgot to sign the receipt, and he/she catches us on the way out the door. I must have been in a rush thinking about how I was going to end the evening as gracefully and quickly as possible.
January 18th, 2010 at 9:26:26 PM
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful feedback!
I’ve found the responses to #10 to be particularly interesting. Now I can understand a bit on the part of the restaurant why it might be important to take the bill before the customer departs. I hadn’t thought of it that way.
I also found it interesting how many customers prefer to pour their own wine. While I don’t think this rule goes for the majority of people, it’s good to note. Though I don’t think that a waiter who disappears and never refills a glass is intentionally doing it, assuming the customer would like to pour for themselves.
@Kris I am referring to a situation when one has a reservation and the table isn’t ready, not when you enter a crowded restaurant without a reservation and then have to wait. If I arrive on time for a booked table it should be ready or I can wait a reasonable amount of time for it to be (15 minutes or so). Anything over that should be apologized for and I think a complimentary drink is a nice way to do so. Sure restaurants are a business. Another way to boost business is to make customers happy, they’ll be more inclined to spend money on that visit and any subsequent ones.
With regards to the comment about water, I disagree because I don’t think a waiter is a salesman. It’s service first and foremost and the waitstaff is there to support the customer, not to push them towards higher ticket items. Anything else is insulting and doesn’t encourage a return visit. At least from me.
Your other personal jabs are unfounded and have no place here.
January 26th, 2010 at 12:03:58 PM
I totally agree with comments 6-8. It’s so rude to take all plates away and leave one person alone to finish his/her meal. I waitressed at a less than top-end restaurant while I was in college, and even there we were told not to clear until everyone had finished eating. But far worse than that – to ask the people who have finished if they want dessert while someone at the table is still on the entree!
January 27th, 2010 at 4:24:23 PM
Hello Erika, and thank you for your tips. As a former server and a manager of a Cafe’ I would love to add that in such a setting servers need not give too much information about their personal life to the customer. The server should keep conversations limited, light and positive.
On another note it was very refreshing to find that I’m not the only one who truly and genuinly cares about the customer. Thanks.
February 4th, 2010 at 4:21:05 PM
After reading this blog it is clear that you have not worked in the restaurant industry before. I waited tables for about six years until I recently started a new career.
I really do believe that everyone should work in the restaurant industry at some point in their lives. Working in a restaurant, especially on the service side really shows you to be more appreciative and respectful of others that are doing a “service” for you. Most of all it will give you some manners.
Maybe you should spend a week waiting tables and then take a look at your blog again. I guarantee it comes down. Not to mention the fact that anyone that has worked on the service side of a restaurant will argue any one of those 10 Unspoken Rules.
I have learned to treat others the way I know I would like to be treated.
I don’t even know how I came across this blog, but reading it I was disgusted. It is nothing but arrogant. It is quite clear that you have never had to work for what you have.
Clueless and embarrassing…
February 4th, 2010 at 4:41:26 PM
@Holly Thanks for your comment. If you take a look at the other responses, you’ll see there are many people that agree with me, so I have to respectfully disagree with your insults. I should also point out to you that I have worked in a few restaurants before in my life, so your assumptions are false.
February 5th, 2010 at 2:38:04 AM
Hello,
I too have a blog and understand why one would want one. Having a blog u should know that you are putting your self out there for critism and compliments.
With that being said I feel that your statements or unsaid rules have a valid stance but do very much vary depending upon the place, the server, the guest as well as the time period in which u are dining.
If you demand above and beyond service, Then tip above and beyond
People who often dine out frequently such as Erika, tend to treat the server with such an attitude because they feel that great service is “owed to them” and even when u make them bend over backwards for you…you still only give them 10%.
I also hate having dirty glasses and plates on the table so I love when they are cleared away from me. My mother on the other hand eats very slowly and feels rushed and un easy when others are finished and cleared before she is done.
I drink wine alot and I understand the wine procedures, but when I am sharing a bottle of wine with someone I would prefer to have it poured for me by the server because you are paying for the bottle and the service. I do not want to feel like a gluten or alcoholic by constantly pouring myself.
People who dine out and expect free things should go to the super market because u get more for your money there. Nothing is free, just like u can spend your dollar some where else…well some times you should because having a happy, conciderate customer is just as important as having a happy conciderate server.
As a server, we ARE in sales…we want to SELL you are best stuff on the menu. No we dont want to rip you off but if we can make the bill higher, we WILL because sparkling water does not come with free refills. Bigger check, Bigger tip.
Lets face it, WE do not spend time in a resturant for fun. WE would rather be the one at the table being served but this is what “WE” do for a living so please do not sit at my table or in MY section for hours during lunch or at the end of the night when I AM trying to close up or flip the table.
Yes, i said “Flip a table”. Thats not saying that you “the paying customer” doesnt deserve to sit, it just means that “WE” the people at work, need to make as much money as possible that day, that shift.
Please go to a diner if u want to sip coffee or tea. I do not go to your job and take up space in your cubicle and make it harder for you to work, IM JUST SAYIN
TREAT YOUR SERVER WITH RESPECT AND “WE” WILL GIVE YOU RESPECT. Believe me, having a “cool” table is the best kind. So please keep that in mind next time you dine.
Thank You
June 1st, 2010 at 2:09:46 AM
These are not unsaid rules. These are your poorly founded opinions.
Number one is silly. You cant possibly expect to be seated at your reservation time every time. If it works out great, but the restaurant can only estimate as to how long the prior diners will be enjoying their meals. I do believe you emphasized that you don’t appreciate being rushed, not even for other diners with an approaching reservation? Number two depends on the restaurant. If you are dining at your finest local french spot, then maybe it is appropriate for a bottle of water to be delivered instead of a glass of water. I cant imagine a restaurant that would make you pay for something you point out you didnt want. Number 3, do not be so sensitive. Respect the role of the server, after all, it is their job to be knowledgeable. Ill will buy four and five, but six might be pushing it. It depends on the restaurant. If several people are sitting at a crowded table and one is clearly done then I dont believe it will hurt to have a dirty place removed from the table. Seven falls in with six. Eight I find particularly amusing. Again, try not to be so sensitive. If a waiter or waitress comments on your lack of remaining food it is probably to point out the fact that you must have enjoyed it, not that you are a pig. Nine is absolute garbage. I do believe it goes against proper etiquette to wait until the bill is requested to deliver it and as such is considered rude. It is okay to drop the bill anytime after the dessert/coffee has been offered/denied or delivered. And 10: As with any credit card receipt, it is the issuers responsibility to ensure they have procured a signed copy. Without the signed copy there is no evidence that you ever actually used a card to pay for the meal.
Erika, after reading your “unspoken rules” it is painfully obvious you are an amateur diner and you truly have little idea what you are talking about.
June 15th, 2010 at 9:07:35 PM
Question guys. Is it serve from the left and clear from the right in fine dining or vice versa? I feel idiotic just asking this question. Thanks!
August 28th, 2010 at 1:24:05 AM
My best guess is Erika doesent even see her credit card bills, let alone understand tham or pay them herself. This leads me to beleive she has no concept on how to run a business, including but not limited to running a profitable restuarant. I will address your “sticking points”.
If you are dining anywhere reputable, there is going to be a wait. As a restuarant owner, I WANT you to go to the bar and buy a drink, loosen up, have a good time….relax . If for some reason there is an excessive wait I”D BE HAPPY to buy you a little something to take the edge off….especially if I think you are going to be the bitch you presented yourself to be as you marched into my establishment. Last but not least, make sure YOUR guests are on time as they are now….on my time.
Bottle or Tap? It’s no secret bottled water can be a bit pricy, you are paying for status and location. Water aint cheap and it certainly is’nt free . Anyone want to help me move 50 glass litres of sparking water off the loading dock? Did’nt think so Erika….
You may have a nose for wine at such a young age, chances are you started early on beer though…just sayn.
Do tell everything you know about the water and wine rythem method, especially when you have a resuarant full of people who expect everything RIGHT NOW. Remember this place would’nt so popular if you were the only one in the restuarant.
A good waiter would’nt piss on you if you were on fire if you snapped, tapped , flailed or otherwise. Remember where you are. Fine dining servers can make well over 80-100g’s a year in cash in the right places. If you need a little extra attention get it from your mom or your boyfriend. If neither are at the table with you….think about that.
I am a multi tasker, I do the work that need to get done. Most people dont like to sit facing a pile of dirty dishes while one churchmouse nibbles and empties her lungs while the rest of her table starves.
Again, I have a job to do and only two hands.
Name one place that doesent drop the bill when you are done? Unless you are an owner or a private guest dont get high and mighty like that…
# 10 indicates your lack of respect for both servers and business owners. When a realtor sells a home, does he or she do it on blind trust? Do you not have a co-pay when you see your Dr.? NO… They check to make sure they have proper signatures and authorizations, and you can be damn sure the realtor knows how much he or she is going to be getting in commission.
I can imagine it would only feel awkward if your server still thanked you for the 10% cheap ass tip you left on the bill as you were sneaking out of the establishment.
Erika, the truth is we can see your type coming a mile away, we can hear it in your voice when you phone in a reservation.
And finally, I challenge you to actually get a job on the floor in a fine dining establishment. I dare you to hold that job for more than 2 weeks and come back and write more about your “top ten uspoken rules”.
Bon Apetit
August 30th, 2010 at 10:45:09 PM
@Tbear – If you’re so good at multi-tasking maybe you should try spell checking while typing. I hear it can do wonders for your appeared intelligence, mid-forum, whilst picking on someone’s blog post you’ve never met.
Cheers,
Jack
September 5th, 2010 at 2:53:58 PM
The hospitable server will be good at reading the needs of the guest .
What u all say doeas not work for all…Servers make service a PERSONAL experience…very simple.
Some appreciate u to drop a check before they ask and some don’t.
hospitality is not a formula
September 20th, 2010 at 1:13:13 AM
My #1 gripe is not something that happens often, but when it does, it really freaks me out.
I absolutely hate to be touched by a waiter or waitress–I’m not talking about getting accidentally brushed or whatever; that’s not a problem–I do not like to have anyone put their hand on my shoulder when they’re asking if I would like something; in any other context I’m okay with that, but for some reason, in a restaurant, it’s weird and uncomfortable. I think your mom (or whatever food-preparing parent/guardian) is really the ONLY person in your life who has the license to show such affection while feeding you. Does that make sense? I’d hate for waitstaff to feel even more pressure as a result of this comment.
September 29th, 2010 at 9:06:47 AM
[...] Top 10 Unspoken Rules of Restaurant Service Etiquette Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 at 2:52:41 PM by Erika Strum [...]
October 27th, 2010 at 3:08:33 PM
“With regards to the comment about water, I disagree because I don’t think a waiter is a salesman. It’s service first and foremost and the waitstaff is there to support the customer, not to push them towards higher ticket items.”
Haha, that’s rich. you have obviously never been a server, because that is 100% wrong.
November 23rd, 2010 at 10:32:46 AM
I have never had the pleasure of dining in the USA but get the impression that when it comes to fine dining, it is a very different experience to London. I have eaten and worked at some of the best establishments in London and the service can differ from place to place the water thing is non sense it sounds like the bloggers is displaying her own hang ups that can be said about the wine part too the other stuff is just daft the more i think about it id love to know the kind of places the blogger has eaten but i doubt they were that fine i think you need to take another look at what you have written and maybe find another area of expertise as you risk looking foolish with this kind of chatter.
December 6th, 2010 at 1:54:37 AM
#10 guest leaving with both copies (intentional or not) has become far too frequent. completely agree with the other comments posted by your readers.
December 30th, 2010 at 7:18:19 PM
I am surfing the net looking for input on both sides of restaurant server’s fence. After reading all these comments from the list above, and being not only a server for more than 30 years, from Sambo’s (Remember him?) to 5 star fine dining, and now marketing and teaching current and newbie servers, the building blocks to excellent service, I’m finding conflicting do’s and don’ts. I am coming to the conclusion, it depends on the House/restaurant in which you work, procedures and policies, with a good dose of common sense in service. Be the server you want when you go out to dine. Consistency and sincerity is a sure bet on great service. Happy Dining, and I too find it hard to go out and dine, without being disappointed in the service. With my program I am developing and soon to be out implementing, I’m sure it won’t be long before I CAN go out and enjoy not only the meal and company but the service as well! Wish Me LUCK!
March 27th, 2011 at 8:36:46 PM
I have a hang up with silver ware brought to me in my meal or spoons already in my cup! In resturants are they trying to save dishes? I thought silver ware should be brought on the side for the person to deside weather to use or disreguard? Am I wrong? I have worked in and recieved dirty dishes at resturants. Is this something to worry about or should I just get over my silver ware issue?
April 19th, 2011 at 3:44:24 AM
I’m reading all the comments and thinking to myself. Wow I didn’t think people thought this much about these things. I’ve been in the industry for a long time and the one thing that I have learned is just to read my guest. First when my guest first sit down. (Tap water is immediately poured) if some one wants bottle water or sparkling they will most certainly ask for it. I ask “How are you doing this evening?” Depending on the reply i’ll know what direction to go in. if they say Very well. I know that there experience is going well so far. If they say fine. I know its time to be a little more attentive. If they say thirsty or hungry i know to just dive in with the wine list or menu. Some people perfer to choose their entree before the wine.
I know my restaurant better then anyone else. I know which wine goes well with which dishes. I know what brands of liquor and beer i have available. I do not try to sell the most expensive items to everyone. I perfer to let my guest drink tap water if they choose and i always ask them what type of wine they are in the mood for. Red White Blush Sparkling. If they like blends french italian American Aulstrailian etc. Actually my favorite wines usually range from 40 – 100. i like to describe the wine to everyone. and let them choose. i never recommend a bottle i havent tasted. but if you keep the wine mid priced they will feel more comfortasble ordering another bottle if the enjoy it. and have room left for dessert.
Actually when i go out i like to do it in this order.
Cocktail
white wine/appetizer
salad
red wine/ entree
dessert wine or lemoncello / dessert
end with a shakerato
April 30th, 2011 at 9:18:44 AM
I agree with Lindy…each restaurant will have their own specific set of rules to follow for fine dining. However, first and foremost, make your guest feel comfortable. Whether it is with an extreme fine dining “hands-off” experience, or with casual chit-chat. Read the table and make sure they have a good time, whatever the personality.
May 29th, 2011 at 4:36:34 AM
So I came across this blog while searching for tips to providing better service to my guests. I really can’t believe I am actually responding to this because I NEVER comment on blogs, or anything for that matter. In fact this is the first time ever.The only reason I feel compelled to do so is because I have sympathy for fellow food service industry workers and I think by helping educate people like you EVERYONE can have a more pleasant dining experience. I understand that you may not be a complete a*#hole you just sound like one. It’s quite obvious that you are a young, unemployed, woman whose family has money. If you truly did work at a restaurant I would bet my life you were a hostess. Regardless, Im not commenting to bash you. My hope is that next time you go out to eat you don’t ruin your servers day. First waiting for a table is normal and has nothing to do with your server. That’s why restaurants have bars and lounges. Ideally everyone would be in and out within an hour, but unfortunately when taking reservations we can’t ask if you will be sitting, drinking hot “tap” water with lemon for countless hours.. In this world nothing is free, so by offering you a glass of wine or a cocktail for your wait the business is losing money before you even sit down. As far as the water goes, you know if it comes out of a bottle it’s going to be in the bill. How you could ever be surprised by that is beyond me. And by the way it is my job to try and sell you that bottle of water. Just like mcdonalds asking if you want fries or a drink with that big Mac. As for wine- if you order a bottle and you would like more POUR IT! I’m sure if your server notices that your glass is empty they would be happy to refill it for you. If you look around you will probably notice that your server has other tables that require attention as well. For some reason people fail to realize that servers have more than one table to attend to. For those of you who think it is rude to clear empty plates while others are still eating, maybe you should consider eating a little faster or slower. I understand some people eat slower than others, but there is no reason it should take more than 30 minutes to finish an entree. Think about the people who made a reservation and are now waiting for you to get up so they can sit-down. If you don’t want coffee or dessert than your getting the check. Pay it when your ready, but how can you say your offended by me asking you to pay for the meal I just served you. You know it’s coming and if you don’t want anything else then why should we have to wait?! Once you’ve signed that credit card slip it is my job to make sure everything is correct before you get up and leave. Some people think they can get out of leaving a tip by “accidentally” taking both slips. Or maybe you did your math wrong and left a total of $12 instead of $120. Either way its coming out of my pocket if things get screwed up. I bet your the type that orders a dish and eats 2/3 of it then sends it back saying you didn’t like it and want it taken off the bill. Or you pay for a $200 bill using $150 in gift cards and tip your server off of the $50 balance. Maybe your the type who makes a point of telling the server how fantastic everything was and leave 10%. Either way you should be eating at Denny’s. If you actually took the time to write a blog like this than it’s safe to say we don’t want your patronage to begin with.
June 12th, 2011 at 12:47:05 AM
10 # Leaving the check after it is signed for a long period of time is considered lapsed service. It is often a guidline in many fine dining ratings that the signed check be cleared within a certain timeframe. Reason “A” is that it is considered a finished item – that is, it no longer serves a function and so should be cleared (i.e. bread plates after you no longer want bread, plates of finished food, old wine glasses, etc.) if you want to sit and enjoy coffee do so but you should not have to look at the completely signed bill – your coffee should in theory be refilled and water as well but the check is no longer needed and more importantly “B” Did you sign the check incorrectly? is it a hotel and you signed the check to the room where you have none on accident thinking it was your credit card receipt? etc. etc. It is a service and a step of service as it pertains to must fine dining guidelines.
June 18th, 2011 at 4:38:23 AM
@tbear
Right on man. I’ve been a server in reputable table cloth restaurants including the seafood bar at the breakers hotel. It took 5 interviews for that position.. just a side note. And please nobody pick on my grammatical errors, they’re intentional. The original poster has some ok points, namely the obvious ones.. i.e. asking your guests to leave etc. I’m not going to touch on the wine/water pouring because we can’t read your mind, where you (Erika) have placed the imaginary line where water, wine, beer, tea.. whatever.. should be poured.. and YOUR line may be different that the gentlemen or lady you’re dining with is.. i’m tired but I’m hoping that you’ve just had terrible restaurant experiences and don’t actually believe you can say one thing about restaurant service without being trained properly to serve another human being an entire meal.
typically if I’m dining out, I am enjoying the company and conversation so much that the service slips below my radar. I tip 20% regardless of what occurs throughout the evening.. unless a server is blatantly rude.. which has never happened yet because I am an understanding individual with a problem solving mentality. and at the end of the day.. it’s just food mother fuckers.
June 18th, 2011 at 4:45:27 AM
ok… real quick.
rules of thumb everyone, depending on the restaurant.
never remove dishes unless asked.
I rarely drop a bill unless we really do need a table, dessert would be finished and cleared and this is very very rare.
I refil water from 1/4 empty until 2/3 full otherwise someone believes you’re finagling another bottle out of them and some servers do.
serve/pour/inquire to ladies first and then to gentlemen clockwise always ending with host.
smile, be happy, helpful, hopeful, positive in the midst of extreme chaos and I will still admit you may be right about my wine service when indeed you are 100% wrong. if a god damn wine glass is empty, I don’t care if you’re the president of the united states, I will with all the power within me, remove that glass whilst the rest of your party is drinking. IT IS EXCESS GLASSWARE ON A TABLE THAT SHOULD BE SPOTLESS. so may it be a lesson to you
August 26th, 2011 at 2:35:45 PM
My service etiquette rule is that wherever possible, every waiter’s questions should be phrased as a request for permission:
May I offer you some wine?
May I take your order?
May I bring you anything else? (Instead of “How is everything?”)
May I clear?
Fine dining involves a bit of fantasy – you are the master and you are being SERVED by someone who has no right to know how you feel, whether you like your food, whether you want something (as opposed to want it brought), etc. Whether I would like to see the dessert menu is my own business; whether the waiter may bring me a dessert menu is the waiter’s. When I am asked if I would like something else, I am always tempted to answer “Yes, but I’m not going to have it.” Whether I am finished is my business; whether the waiter may clear is his.
The effect of this sort of etiquette is subliminal. Whether you know it or not, these questions about you involve a microinvasion of your privacy that is of no consequence in the scheme of themes, but, in the context of a fine meal, when repeated, have a cumulative effect, all of which can be avoided by a skilled waitstaff that only asks how it can do its job.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:57:49 PM
Lawrence 38 your comment is spot on and very good..Although I found it a little bit aggressive.. what really surprised me is that people are still making comments on this silly question. I commented as Evinced Ronay Jr and now I look back on it I smile to my self with an embarrassed sense of well shame.
August 29th, 2011 at 1:24:29 AM
After reading a majority of the replies, everyone is pretty much repeating what was said before. There is the saying, “to each their own.” In my opinion, not that it matters, as a fine dining server we are all actors/actresses putting on a show 30 hours a week. There are no rules set in stone how to approach/handle a table. There are obvious guidelines as servers that we should all follow. As fine dining servers those are self explanatory (water, wine opening, serve from right, yada yada yada). The question I feel you have to ask yourself is how can I make this night memorable to where my customer WILL not only come back but request me as their server. What can I do to make this unforgettable? Figure that out first then go worship a Michelin rated restaurant. Thanks. :-)
October 6th, 2011 at 6:13:38 PM
Just a quick question? Has the author of this nice little post been a server before? If you look up basic etiquette and “rules” for fine dining you will find that they vary a lot. A couple things that you have listed would be taboo for a lot of people. The important thing is to read your customers and make sure you are doing everything possible to make sure that the have the best dining experience they can. It cracks me up when people think they know everything, especially when they have never seen the other side and consider the fact that some people don’t like having an empty plate and unused dirty dishes on the table and a lot of people do not want to ask for the bill. They expect it to be left when they are done with the meal. They shouldn’t have to ask for it. There are a lot of obvious guidelines but quite a bit of it is gray area and the only way to do it perfectly is to learn to read people really really well.
October 22nd, 2011 at 3:41:26 AM
Lawrence Kramer……. spot on! You nailed it.
i am a career server, working the the highest end of fine dining. I often receive some extraordinary tips that caused me to ask myself “What am I doing that is taken so positivelly?
Most importantly, is that I communicate, generally unspoken, but sometimes in words, that I am there to serve YOU in manner in which YOU wish to be served. “Do you have questions about the menu, shall I take your order, or do you prefer I step away for a bit?”
When I pour more wine, do it slowly, I let the guest see that I am about to do it, and he then has the opportunity to tell me no. When I go to clear, I either ask, “May I clear, sir?”, or if they are talking, place my hand near the plate, and again, let him see what I am about to do.
In effect I am ALWAYS acting in a manner that asks permission to proceed with each step.
Obviously, I don’t overwhelm with questions, but it’s in my manner, staying alert to all the clues I can get about the guests comfort, and communicating to him/her that I am there for THEIR convenience, not that they have to conform to my schedule and routine.
November 2nd, 2011 at 12:02:13 PM
These comments can very easily be separated into those who have clearly worked service industry, and those who haven’t and have no clue. Dr. S above makes the best points I found on this thread.
I give exceptional service, however, I’ll freely admit that I drop it down quickly when I am met with a person that expects me to be a servant drone. Here are a couple things that the rest of you might consider:
1. Respond to your server.
When I offer a warm greeting to you and your group when you are seated, and not one of you bothers to look up at me, or respond, you are being rude. When I bring drinks, extra napkins you’ve asked for, or refil your water, say “thank you”. It is polite, and you are required to be polite. I certainly don’t expect you to say “thank you” every time I bring something to your table, and if you are in mid conversation, by all means I don’t mean to interrupt, but be concious that I am a human, and be pleasant.
2. Don’t be needy.
It’s fine and welcomed to ask for anything special you need for your dining enjoyment, but some people insist on taking it too far. If you need several things brought to you ask for them all at once. Too often, certain types of people will ask for a lemon for their water, on returning with it, they will require a paper napkin, then it’s an extra plate, then it’s this, and so on. I probably have many tables, and many people that want to be served, but even if I dont, I’m not here to play “fetch” with you, so please, if you know you will need a million extra things, please try to give me the whole list as soon as possible, so I can bring it all in one trip.
3. Don’t fake an allergy.
The fastest way to get on my nerves is to pretend you have an allergy that you don’t. It’s all the rage now days to be “allergic” to gluten (patricia above) but just because you’ve found a doctor who will take your money to diagnose you with something trendy that explains why as a human(animal) you are gassy at night after eating certain foods, don’t expect me to be impressed. I take REAL allergies seriously. If you’re going to drop dead if you eat something containing tree nuts, good god, please tell me and I’ll pour through the kitchen to make sure there’s no chance a trace will touch your plate. But don’t marginalize people’s real life threatening allergies because you don’t want onion breath on a first date. I’m not impressed.
4. Don’t mention the tip.
Whether you think it’s funny or not, It’s always rude to hear the idle “your tip just went up” or “you’ll get a really big tip”. I like serving because I like to serve, yes, I’m also in it for the money, but please don’t belittle the service I provide, and make me out to be just about getting your tip. I respect myself, and the work I do far more than that, and you should too. For the record, if you’re one of those that always finds a way to mention the tip in the midst of service, you should know that by doing so, you’re telling any experienced server that you’re going to tip in the 12-15% range, which is quite low, and very pathetic for someone that tries to brag it up so much.
5. Don’t camp.
Servers have sections. Often 4 or 5 tables and that’s it. If your meal is finished, and you are not having coffee or dessert, please kindly wrap it up, and find your way to the door. I don’t ever want to rush you out, and it is rude and ignorant of you to hole up in a busy restaurant and occupy a table for 4 hours while not ordering anything. There’s a happy medium, please find it, and manage to be aware of your surroundings. If it’s not very busy, it’s fine to let the conversation drone on, but please also be aware of closing time. If I have to stay at work an extra two hours because you refuse to notice that everyone else has gone home and the staff is just waiting for you to wrap up, you’re being very rude.
Please keep these in mind when you’re out in public. Mostly, remember that your server is human, and that the basic golden rule is, “treat others as you would like to be treated”. If you do this, we will all get along fine.
November 19th, 2011 at 3:19:30 PM
#10 may be less “perceived” stress on the guests but as a manager I cannot count the times the guest has taken the wrong copy with them or perhaps taken BOTH copies or other unintended error. This results in the SERVER GETTING NO TIP!!
It is the servers FINAL Step to make sure they have the correct paperwork, minimal as it may be- and to FINALLY thank the guests and wish them good night.
And so it goes!
November 21st, 2011 at 10:41:52 AM
Wow, bashing someone for offering their “mere guide lines”. I personally waited tables in college for a couple of years at a white table cloth establishment with wine stewards, captains, bus boys, waters and few waitresses. As one or two of the comments claimed 300-400 a night cash was the norm. I thought comment number 38 was very professional. I also thought that many of the comments were rude and posted by people with low levels of intelligence with no business offering any kind of advice on professional service. Comment number 13 I found most interesting, 15 minutes is out of the question, but 15 minutes later is fine. I guess offering your client, the customer, a comp drink would be a financial ruin…LOL. Ericka, thanks for the post, it was interesting and informative, I guess blogging is sort of like waiting on tables, you get some really nice people and you get some real A&& H%%% One issue that caught my attention is the clearing the table before everyone is finished. Removing plates while people are eating is rude and unprofessional, clearing the TABLE should not begin until the TABLE has finished with their meal, UNLESS someone asks the server to remove something. Can you imagine leaving the person paying the tab totally alone, still enjoying his dinner and 11 other guests watching him eat.
November 24th, 2011 at 11:31:05 PM
DAvid
“2. Don’t be needy.
If you need several things brought to you ask for them all at once. Too often, certain types of people will ask for a lemon for their water, on returning with it, they will require a paper napkin, then it’s an extra plate, then it’s this, and so on. I probably have many tables, and many people that want to be served, but even if I dont, I’m not here to play “fetch” with you, so please, if you know you will need a million extra things, please try to give me the whole list as soon as possible, so I can bring it all in one trip. ”
I ASK for multiple things at once like even times 5-7 things even, the problem is, NO SERVERS EVER **WRITE DOWN** you want things like a box, a check a bag, some containers for condiments, refills, extra napkins, more bread, etc. Also, most servers even when they do write things down, 9 times out of 10, I find they don’t COMPARE THEIR WRITTEN ORDER with the food for any obvious errors.
So honestly, I can 100% understand WHY customers ask for things one at a time, because of the LAZY servers that don’t want to take the ******EFFORT******* it takes to try to ***REMEMBER*** ALL OF THE STUFF>
Also, I have had MANY of times servers not ask but ONE person at the table or run off so quickly that you don’t have a CHANCE to ask for more than one thing because they are too lazy to write the stuff down so they just WANT to get one thing at a time, otherwise, WHY do they not write things down and ask if **EVERYONE** else at the table needs anything else?
So I try still, but honestly, most servers will not write stuff down and then forget things. For example, once I asked for:
1. a box
2. the check
3. a bag
4. a to-go coke
Our waitress decided to be LAZY and not write any of that down, so she forgot the bag. Now, if she would have WRITTEN IT DOWN, see how much **EASIER** it would have been for her to go down her list that 99% of the times she would have done this, she would NOT have forgotten it. I have forgotten things even if I wrote down things such as on my grocery lists, the thing is I forget SOOOO MUCH MORE if I don’t write things down than when I do.
She didn’t even say she was sorry about the bag. I just simply asked for a bag again, wasn’t mean or anything, but still servers want your money, but they don’t want to be NICE to you? I don’t get that, I really don’t?
So your advice honestly is stupid, because most of the time servers cannot remember by memory alone and they REFUSE to write things down like that.
I have had once a waiter I asked for a refill, more bread, and napkins. He forgot the napkins. He didn’t write those tasks down either to ****TRY*** to remember them. That’s the issue I have more than the fact that he forgot, but the fact that he didn’t even **TRY**, so to me when I see LAZINESS and UNCARING in a server, I tend to tip less than if they did write it down, then got it wrong. When you put forth EFFORT, you should get more than when you are being lazy on the job. Wouldn’t you agree?
“1. Respond to your server.
When I offer a warm greeting to you and your group when you are seated, and not one of you bothers to look up at me, or respond, you are being rude. When I bring drinks, extra napkins you’ve asked for, or refil your water, say “thank you”. It is polite, and you are required to be polite. I certainly don’t expect you to say “thank you” every time I bring something to your table, and if you are in mid conversation, by all means I don’t mean to interrupt, but be concious that I am a human, and be pleasant. ”
I DO, the problem I have is with servers that don’t say they are SORRY when they mess up. I would say a good 95% of servers out there DO NOT APOLOGIZE for their mistakes. They think if we feel they are at fault, we will count against the tip, but in fact, it’s the opposite that we already know most of the time(not always, but most) WHO was at fault, so if they were, by saying they were sorry not only calmed me down, but also made me tip better because they had a HEART and were NICE PEOPLE, not mean and uncaring people. When they don’t apologize, I take more off the tip because they were mean and I was more polite to them than they were to me by telling them “Thank you” for fixing the messed up item, but they didn’t say they were sorry for delaying my food from getting correctly to me. To me, I don’t feel servers act like CUSTOMERS are human. They act like we are money bags rather than PEOPLE that have FEELINGS!!
November 28th, 2011 at 4:44:36 AM
Kris ,i liked your coment alot!
November 30th, 2011 at 10:36:15 AM
Springs,
Reading your post was like anti-learning. I suspect this is because you are a fucking retard. You have no idea what you are talking about. No fucking clue. Go to applebees or olivegarden or wherever it is that you think you are entitled to taking a refill of your “endless refill” drink togo. While you are at it maybe you can go to the olive garden and eat soup salad and breadsticks and then maybe ask for a set togo because its “all you can eat”, right? One thing everyone here needs to understand is that your personal quirks or opinions regarding individual services DO NOT FUCKING MATTER. Please do not be so stupid as to think that they do, because they dont. You do however make yourself look awfully stupid by trying to pass them off as universal service standards.
Springs what you are missing is that David is likely an experienced server and knows how to dine. Whether or not you know about it, there is a certain repertoire for dining. You may go out to a nicer establishment and dine with your ignorant ways and they will listen to you, give you what you want, and hear your stupid fucking complaints. The difference between serving you and their expected clientele is that they don’t really want or enjoy having you there, but they will serve you with a smile on their face and pretend to appreciate your ignorance until you leave at which point they will likely hope you never return. You can go on and on about the customer is always right and spending your money but it doesn’t change the fact that there is an established standard for dining that ignorant fucks like yourself are apparently oblivious of. Servers arent there to stroke your ego and make you feel warm and cuddly. They are there to do their job and I assure you they know how to do their job better than you think you know how to do their job.
December 4th, 2011 at 9:48:53 PM
I agree with many that service expectations vary greatly with each restaurant across the country, though the main basic rules listed above by those truly experienced always apply. And ‘JP’ you say no dish should ever be removed while one is still eating but have you considered tapas or sushi restaurants.. or small tables for that matter where clearing smaller dishes is essential in ensuring ample room on the table? In many fine-dining establishments you are correct, but there are many other restaurants and people who prefer dirty dishes taken away for a number of reasons. Then I feel u contradict yourself when saying u remove any empty wine glasses immediately. If you’re merely talking about the current wine already being finished or a change in wines I of course understand, but otherwise I would love a further explanation. I also agree that although Erika’s views on service guidelines are a bit far off she has struck this debate which I am SURE many have learned from, and others reminded of the art, timing and graciousness essential for impeccable service. I’ve been serving my whole life and my demeanor is much like ‘Ned’s', however I wish my tips would outstanding alll the time. I know it depends on the city and restaurant, but if ‘Lawrence’ ‘Ned’ or anyone else with your great points have any more advice on more consistent tips, it would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
January 7th, 2012 at 10:02:25 PM
I stumbled upon this post. This is fantastic. I don’t have the time to read everything…BUT….to the writer of the post, understand THIS. No one worth their salt in the food service business gives a sh*t what you are talking about. All the smiles and courtesies are because it is a JOB! If any waiter/waitress met your over-dignified self outside their work environment where they could not be fired, they would tell you to take a hike. You customers are no different than parts in a factory, you try and make them correct but if one or two breaks, it’s called a reject and life goes on. Thanks for the laugh, and the waste of time.
January 7th, 2012 at 10:04:23 PM
Dustin, post #48, you sound like a real dude, keep it real.
January 17th, 2012 at 10:30:56 AM
WOW! What a passionate debate! I’ve been a restaurant manager for 14 years and have to say, when a guest feels they received bad service, sometimes I agree with the guest, sometimes I agree with the server. There are fantastic servers and lazy servers, there are easy going or “cool” guests and really arrogant and “needy” guests. Such is the case in any profession or life for that matter. I couldn’t agree more with the comment hospitality isn’t a formula. Everyone has a different idea of what good service is- obviously- The bottom line is whether you are the guest or the server the one thing we can all agree on is everyone likes to be treated with dignity and respect and we all want our side of the story to be heard.
Mike in comment 30 is spot on!- Service teams are trained and paid to give the guest an “experience”. Guests may not remember the meal or the decor exactly but they will always remember exactly how you made them “feel”. This dictates a return visit or lack thereof.
I often receive compliments on my service team and they repeatedly include terms like– “was very pleasant, polite, caring and attentive.” If you’re a server and you forget something, apologize and don’t try to defend yourself or kick another area of the restaurant under the bus; If you’re a guest and you’re server has been pleasant and polite, treat them like a person, not like a bottom feeder—it’s not an easy job—it takes patience, skill, commitment and stamina.
January 23rd, 2012 at 11:48:14 PM
LOL!!!!! iam a culinary student and i have learned that every establishment is different in the rules of service. and every person is too. the server has to be able to “read” the customer. unfortunately everyone gets a “bad” customer once in a while. almost everyone had at least 1 valid point in these comments!!! and EVERYONE MADE ME LAUGH!!!!!!!!!
February 21st, 2012 at 5:47:47 PM
It’s ridiculous how insulting some of the comments are. You think Erika should expect and be happy with poor service?
If the restaurant can’t get a reserved table seated in 15 minutes it should reconsider reservations. What is the point? There is basic math used in the industry to predict how long a meal will last during certain times in the day. It’s not hard. And for the random parties that hold up the table longer than anticipated, yes, a cocktail is appropriate.
I just don’t understand why some people are so offended by a customer asking to be treated well.
February 27th, 2012 at 11:05:18 AM
there was a comment and it is why I looked this up today me and another server are in a disagreement I worked at a fine dinning restaurant called the huntress we were trained to pull from the left and serve to the right she disagree”s who is right
March 5th, 2012 at 4:45:22 AM
Kim, you are wrong. Rules for fine dining change from restaurant to restaurant but I have never worked anywhere where the rule wasn’t serve to the left, clear from the right.
March 5th, 2012 at 6:37:28 AM
Just a comment about the water thing, I always put a bottle if cold tap water on the table as soon as a table is seated. Especially if all the guests have not yet arrived. I ask them if they would like to start with a drink as I deliver the water. It keeps bored hands busy whole they wait for others to turn up or make up they’re minds on drinks or bottled water. No one has ever complained about it on my 12 years front of house career although I do live in Queensland Australia, it’s bloody hot and they all want cold water!
March 6th, 2012 at 4:16:15 PM
Concerning the removal of dirty dishes: I dislike having them removed because it means your server is coming over and interrupting conversation everytime someone empties their plate. If one doesn’t care to have dirty dishes on the table they can simply set them at the outer edge of the table and the server can unobtrusively remove them. Thank tou for you list.
March 6th, 2012 at 4:20:40 PM
Also, one should always be polite to the server as many of the errors on your plate are not theirs and your unhappiness with a dish should not be vented on them.
March 10th, 2012 at 9:55:22 AM
As a professional server who has worked in 3- and 4- star New York restaurants, I agree with most of this list. 9 and 10, however can get one into a lot of difficulties. Waiting for the guest to request the check is, indeed, the “correct” thing to do, but not always the best thing to do. Customers, even more than servers, are often unaware of proper restaurant etiquette and often become impatient or even belligerent when their check is not delivered promptly after the coffee order or last ordered item. Depending on the restaurant and clientele, I’ve often resorted to asking if the table would like anything else that evening. This usually will get me the information I need. I would never do this at the 4-star restaurants I’ve worked in. As for picking up the check after payment, I think it’s a big mistake to wait until the guest leaves. Often, after multiple courses and a few glasses of wine, customers get careless and will leave their credit cards behind, forget to sign the bill, or take the signed copy. The first is bad for them, and the latter two are terrible for the restaurant and server. Picking up the signed check quickly with a polite “thank you very much” is perfectly acceptable and good for both parties. However, service MUST continue until the guest leaves (i.e. refilling water glasses, etc)
March 18th, 2012 at 8:42:03 PM
I can see that each point every person has made is valuable. Rule number Learn to read the Customer and the table. Each table is different a great server will know this. Rule number 2 make someones day. Rule number 3 respect each other. Rule number 4, If your reading your table correctly all other rules go out the window.
April 28th, 2012 at 4:28:58 AM
#1 Is wrong. If the restaurant is busy, it’s busy. A restaurant gets behind for a number of reasons. No reason to give away anything unless warranted.
#2 is preference. The host has the option to choose bottled or tap. It’s just an option.
#3 Right on.
#4 No one should ever have to pour their wine or bottled water. If the bottled water runs out, bring them tap if they decide not to purchase another. Everyone should always have at least a half full glass of water regardless if it has been bottled or not. Tap water is free to a guest. If they do not want it; then they don’t have to drink it, but at least it is there.
#5-8 Right on.
#9 & 10 are wrong. Always check back once you know the last course has been served and the guests are enjoying it. Present the check to the host and remind them you will take it at their convenience. Always clear the check before the guests leave to ensure proper payment. Always continue complimentary beverage service till the guest’ leaves, i.e. coffee and tap water.
May 3rd, 2012 at 9:53:59 AM
If you are operating a fine dining restaurant, then I completely agree with #1. The table should be ready for the appointed time. If I am going to be spending the evening at a fine dining establishment, then I don’t expect another person to be seated at the table that is reserved for me. This is one of the reasons why the price I pay for my meal is so high.
In our fine dining restaurant, a table is never double booked for the evening. If a guest is expected at 7:30, then we don’t seat another person at 6:00, hoping that they will be out in time. No-one is shaking out tablecloths or resetting tables during the evening when others are dining.
But, there are many restaurants which advertise that they are fine dining establishments, which really are just lovely places to eat and not fine dining at all. In those cases, guests may not expect that they have exclusive use of a table for the entire evening. There may be unexpected delays. Depending upon the expectations of your guests, the price of their meal, and the amount of inconvenience they bear, a complimentary beverage may still be in order.
May 26th, 2012 at 3:28:14 PM
Hi Erica,
I think your ten unspoken rules have logic and care behind them.
As a hospitality and business administration major, some of the comments left by your critics (whether they were experienced or not) are very narrow-minded and ignorant. Most of the challenging criticism has been made by experienced servers and managers, where they have learned by association.
In an educational setting, where different aspects of these ten unspoken rules have been studied, trialed, and tested with a great number of patrons, you will definitely realize that being responsible and ethical with exceptional customer service will lead to greater revenue and tips. It’s a statistically significant fact to more than 75% of people.
So Erica, I applaud you for your blog and your excellent ten unspoken rules.
June 14th, 2012 at 3:03:15 PM
Erika,
I am taken aback that someone would take the time to publish a blog on a topic that so clearly is not understood by the author. There is so much wrong with this top 10 list and some of the responses that I dare not address each one. It is clear that you (and many people who have responded) don’t have the fundamental subject knowledge required to understand it anyway.
I would however, like to point out the two areas that highlight your glaring lack of understanding.
1) It is the most basic understanding and expectation that any server be a Sales Person. This is required by any employer at any restaurant worth dining in. Sales, sales goals, sales history, etc… Most even use systems such as sales contests as incentive for the servers to be the best sales person they can be. Why you may ask… because everything in a restaurant revolves around sales and because being a sales person is the most fundamental expectation of a server. When you remove this expectation you have order takers instead of servers and as we know… order takers are the ones handing you your food through a window.
2) When reservations are made they are reserving a table for a specific amount of time (not the entire night). That reserved table will have multiple reservations for a shift and the amount of time is based on a reasonable amount of time expected for the guest to enjoy a meal. When a server makes the fatal mistake of not delivering a bill before being asked the result is inconsiderate patrons sitting at the table for unreasonable amounts of time and causing every reservation for that table for the rest of the shift to be waiting on their reservation (likely 3 or more reservations and more than 15 minuets each just for that one table). This is where my #3 comes in…
3) In addition to the expectation that a server be a sales person, it is expected that a server control their section and control the flow of individual tables meals. There is specific reason and result that comes from timing and spacing things like drink orders, tapas orders, marking the table, removing dirty dishes, etc… All of these things allow for timing, follow up, and most importantly trying to minimize the effect that inconsiderate patrons have on the business volume and business flow of the shift. i.e. one party causing every reservation for that table to have to wait for their reserved time.
This is a lot to take in for someone with limited knowledge on the topic such as yourself so try and remember the basics.
-Servers are by nature Sales People (its a requirement)
-When you sit for longer than is reasonable, you are causing everyone after you to be seated late.
-When a server brings you a bill before you have asked for it, its their job as well as their polite way of saying thank you now it time to leave before you become one of those inconsiderate patrons.
To Anik, if your post is compiled from and an example of what you have gleaned from your studies I feel your first priority is to immediately inquire into your schools credentials and verify that they are actually an accredited institution.
July 15th, 2012 at 2:24:16 PM
Forgive me if I’m rehashing anything anyone else has said – I read about half the comments before deciding to throw my two cents in to the mix.
Interesting, Erika, that you consider these to be the ‘unspoken’ rules considering that I train my staff specifically on some of the points that you make!
Number one I think is too subjective to call and a skilled waiter / host will be able to better gauge his or her guest on their attitude or body language, especially at a fine dining level. Its all about managing expectations – if they seem genuinely likely to get upset at having to wait, get them a drink; if they seem ok then just remember to go back and talk to them, smile, make eye contact etc and tell them their table will be ready shortly. In short, work it out. We are a business after all, we have to make money so there has to be a balance between what is reasonable to give away on comp and what is worth it to keep the customer happy. Remember, everyone is different. You can treat them slightly differently, as long as the ultimate standard is the same.
Number 2 I kind of agree with, though surely this will come down to the manner and tone of the waiter as well as the actual phrase.
Number 3 – a good waiter, and certainly anyone I would employ, would ask a customer if they needed any help or recommendations with the wine list. I train my servers to ensure they have at least a couple of reds and whites in memory that pair well that they can recommend. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this – its not that you are young and female, its just that we don’t know you. Again, every customer is different – pay attention to them. Listen in. They may give you the clues you need!!
I actually agree with you, for the most part, about 4, 5, 6, and 7. Servers should always be glancing up and around, wine should always be poured to red and white respective levels and at reasonable intervals (you know, when its running low), and plates should never ever ever be cleared until everyone has finished. Sorry if anyone disagrees with the latter, but that simply isn’t good service. If i caught a server doing that having been told once or twice to not do it, they wouldn’t get a shot a making a third mistake. Out the door.
8. Really? Thats just the waiter being engaging surely? You know, something we tell them they have to be. But again, every customer is different. That member of staff is doing something that 99 other guests that day might really appreciate. You don’t. That’s fair. But probably you gave the impression in earlier dialogue with your server that you were fun and friendly so its also fair that they tried. If you had disengaged with them all evening, then to be fair you’re as much to blame. Its our job to try and create an experience. Let us. Laugh. Even if you don’t mean it. Or do you just not smile often?
Completely utterly disagree with 9 and 10. I think these are more personal preferences of yours as they actually go against standard formal (and most informal) dining practices.
Ultimately there should be one rule and that is – customer first. Beyond that? Do as you would wish to receive, listen, make eye contact, and smile.
Any good server who looks at and listens to their guest will be able to better understand what it is they need to enjoy their restaurant experience, and can then better deliver those expectations. Every customer is different, and having one set of rules is quite foolhardy when you think about it. We have a service cycle and our waiters are trained in it but they are employed because along with the training and knowledge we give them, we also feel they have the personality and skills to act and think outside the box.
Just my opinion though.
Now, where’s my manager’s whip…..
July 29th, 2012 at 4:27:42 AM
As a server at a fine dining restaurant in Boston, i have a couple of thoughts for you.
Not only about your list, but about small things YOU can do to help the server provide you with the style of service you want at the pace you want to dine (indicated by **).
1. id say 30 mins should get a free drink or app…MAYBE 15 mins, but i would base that on how pissed the customer seems, to be honest. Ideally, that drink should be in your hand WHILE you wait…it makes the wait seem a little shorter when you have a drink in hand.
2. I agree with you on the water thing…it can be really awkward. I train my sever assistants to ask “would you care for bottled, sill or sparking water, or ice water?” That takes the ambiguity out of it and doesn’t sound condescending the way “just tap water” does.
3. Im SO with you! though i would extend it too say Dont make assumptions about me as a diner – including my wine or food knowledge. Ive been on the receiving end of the initial brush off, and admittedly have been guilty of it. You get a table, its a couple, not dressed particularly well…maybe they’ve just finished running errands. Theyre young (younger than your average guest), so you think…pizzas and beers! Well, as a server, and my boyfriend a chef, when we go out to eat, we like to do the whole thing! Apps entrees desserts, wine, cocktails, after dinner drinks, coffee etc. Its easy to stereotype, but its important, (and can be greatly to your benefit!) not to!
4. yup. Though there are a lot of people who want to pour their own wine.
** My advice is just tell your server. Something as simple as “thank you, but ill pour” avoids the awkwardness of the server trying to pour EVERY time they come to the table!
By the way, the server should either ask “may i pour you some wine?” or at least (if there isnt an opportunity for them to get a word in without interrupting) Pick up the bottle and pause before pouring!
**That allows the guest to nod to indicate whether or not they want you to pour.
5. yup, though i would extend that. A well trained staff supports one another. If im at table 2 taking an order, and table 1 is looking for me, i expect one of my coworkers to notice and attend to them. And i do the same for my coworkers. It makes me utterly INSANE to watch a guest walk by members of the staff into the kitchen (ALWAYS looking for the bathroom)! Clearly theyre not going the correct way, so stop them and help, dont just let them keep walking! grr
6.We, as service staff, (at least in the type of places ive worked) TRY to wait until everyone’s done before we clear the entire table (preferably, with help from a coworker, and all at once. However, many, many times, the moment that we approach, or take a plate away from someone, someone else who hasnt taken a bite for several moments, decides to pick up their fork! Its SO common! A few things i use to train people as clues are starting to fade away as “old school” manners that just arent taught any more.
**You can clue your server to the fact that your finished eating by placing your fork and knife together and parallel at either 3 or 6 oclock on your plate, or by crossing them across the center of your plate. Either of these clearly indicates to me that you wont be picking them up again. Also, I teach people to ask “may i get that plate out of your way?” Its so much nicer than “so, ya done yet?” ! It makes the clearing of the plate a service your providing, as opposed to a necessary step towards getting you out the door.
7. I agree. it is proper to clear only when everyone is finished. Though i must say that when a guest indicates they REALLY want their plate gone NOW, and they dont care if it makes the other diners feel rushed, i will clear it and not feel bad. Frankly, in that case the GUEST is being rude and impolite, not me. (the 3 things people can do to show me they want their plate gone now are to stack other plates on top, throw their napkin on their plate, or push the plate forward or off to the side)
8. duh
9. this ones interesting. I used to be with you on that, but over the years ive shifted and now i drop a check prior to being asked. I find that often when people are dining in groups, or on a date, no one wants to be the one who asks for the bill. I find that bringing it discreetly to the table after desserts and coffee are completed, and indicating that theres no rush, can avoid the awkwardness. (im all about avoiding dining awkwardness, can you tell? )
10. sadly, i disagree. It used to be okay to leave the check, but now, its just not “safe” for the server. This is another one that years ago i was steadfast that i NEVER picked up the signed check until the guest was gone, but ive since changed my view. Be it an honest mistake;(you accidentally took the signed copy and left me the blank – happens ALL the time!) some kind of deception on the part of the guest, or even theft of cash off of a table by another guest or coworker, Its just not good business practice for me NOT to complete the transaction before the guest leaves. (You dont get to take your item and leave a store until you give them the signed receipt, do you?) I always use that opportunity to give a last, sincere, “Thank You” to my guest as i pick up the check.
sorry…this was way longer than i had intended. Hope its not too repetitive of other peoples posts!
~missy
August 15th, 2012 at 4:19:56 AM
I would like to know what Erika expects as fair compensation in the event that she must wait 15 minutes past her appointment (read: reservation) with her General Practitioner, an Auto Mechanic, Mortgage Rep, Lawyer, etc.? Each of these professions also provide a specific service in exchange for money.
I also wonder if Erika has realized that her rule #9 actually CREATES the situation she kicks off with at rule #1??? So she expects to never wait and linger past any further service without being presented with a bill until she HAS ASKED for it? I suggest she try to pull this off at any of the aforementioned businesses.
EVERYONE WHO WORKS IS PROVIDING A SERVICE, NO MATTER THE SPECIFIC INDUSTRY. If Erika is so far above the rest of us, surely she can afford to hire her own private staff so that she will never have to suffer the wait that is coincidentally caused by people JUST LIKE HER.
August 16th, 2012 at 10:40:20 AM
Kaje, the fine dining experience is quite different than work done by your auto mechanic, etc. and the expectations of the event are not the same at all. Your comments seem mean-spirited and would not be compatible with a fine dining server. If a patron is paying $400.00 for his or her dinner, there are some service expectations that are included in the price, beyond just the meal.
September 7th, 2012 at 3:27:46 PM
[...] Rules For Restaurants by Larry Magid (Forbes) Ted’s Rules for Restaurants Top 10 Unspoken Rules of Restaurant Service Etiquette by Erika Strum My 11 Restaurant Rules by Where Shall We [...]
September 25th, 2012 at 1:18:57 PM
I noticed that when I eat out, the waiter do ask if we’re done with the plates even they can see one is still eating. I never really thought much about it, but I guess the one who’s eating would feel rushed.
September 29th, 2012 at 1:04:11 AM
After reading this post, as well as all the ensuing comments. My first thought is, Wow! I am bored. I will not go into detail agreeing or disputing each point. If, for no other reason, then I tend to dine at establishments I would consider more casual than formal.
The amount of negative response to many of the points by persons inside and outside the business would lead me to believe that very few of the author’s points are in fact “unspoken” by definition.
The one point that I do feel obligated to discuss is point #3, concerning wine knowledge. I work in the wine/spirits sales industry. I can tell you that if Robert Parker came into my store, I would know more about the inventory than he would. I would imagine the same would hold true in restaurant setting. You may be able to give a lengthy discourse on the subtle flavor differences between Washington state Cabernets from the Walla Walla Valley versus the Columbia Valley. Perhaps you have forgotten more about wine then the server will ever know. But that server still knows more about that wine list than you do. At least they should!
October 11th, 2012 at 3:13:51 AM
9. Please do not bring the bill until someone requests it.
i agree/disagree yes its a sign of respect and politness but in the same way i disagree for example you have offerd them dessert and coffees they have had them and now dont want anything there just sitting in there no one else in the restraunt and kitchens closed and so is the bar and you only waiting for them i think it kinda fair you worked hard all day last thing is waiting for a group or couple talking yeah 10-15 even half an hour fine but lets say they came in 7pm and finished eating /drinking roughly 9pm now there there 1130pm others left 9-30 10 and there talking i think hand them the bill is absoloutly fair hey if there were other couples and groups still in then yea sure let them stay longer but if there the last be resonable you wouldnt have that choice in some restraunts cause they have 2 turn overs or more so need you gone
anyways thought i would shair my thought i could be wrong
October 20th, 2012 at 7:06:17 PM
Great post! The whole wine blog is fantastic and I look forward to reading more.