Wine Enthusiast Magazine
SubscribeTop 10 Unspoken Rules of Restaurant Service Etiquette
by Erika Strum
If you dine out with any regularity, it’s likely you have an opinion on how restaurant service should be. Whether you feel service is of prime importance or not, we all have our gripes. Recently, I had a particularly poor experience at a 2-Michelin-Star restaurant in NY. Since posting my recap this morning, I’ve been amazed at the number of people corralling to support me. And it makes sense! When you pay top dollar for a meal, people should treat you nicely. Oddly enough, I think too many people take service etiquette for granted. Not wanting to be curmudgeonly they keep opinions to themselves, making these rules unspoken.
Anyone who has dined with me knows I’m not shy about discussing these sticking points. So why not share with all of you? These are my top ten rules for providing great service, in no particular order. What are yours?
1. If the table is not ready when a customer arrives and they have to wait any longer than 15 minutes, apologize and offer a complimentary cocktail or glass of wine.
2. When asking about water preferences, be as clear as possible. No one will be happy when they order a $20 bottle of Perrier by accident. Also, don’t make the customer feel bad if they want tap water. Asking “Bottled water or just tap?” creates this feeling.
3. Never make assumptions about someone’s wine knowledge. Ask a few questions to gauge their experience. (Just because I’m young and female, doesn’t mean I’m a novice!)
4. There is a certain rhythm to water and wine refills. Both need to be handled with enough frequency that the customer never pours for themselves but rarely enough, that they won’t feel rushed or intruded upon.
5. Good waitstaff are always available for patrons who might be seeking attention. Even when focused on something else, they should have their eyes peeled. A customer should not have to flail their arms to get somebody’s attention.
6. Do not ask if someone is finished when others are still eating that course. It makes those eating feel guilty and rushed.
7. Please do not clear plates until everyone is finished.
8. If I clean my plate, don’t make a comment about it. Yes, this girl likes to eat!
9. Please do not bring the bill until someone requests it.
10. Wait until the customer leaves to take the signed bill. It makes them feel rushed and it’s awkward to say goodbye after the tip is signed, even if the service was perfect.
In the end, your waiter/waitress is a person too and nobody is perfect. These are mere guidelines. But no matter what your profession, we should all aim to do a good job of it!
Filed under: Opinions and Commentary, Restaurants and Food
21 Comments
21 Responses to “Top 10 Unspoken Rules of Restaurant Service Etiquette”
Please Wait
January 6th, 2010 at 4:45:08 PM
11. Don’t call customers “we”. “Do we know what we want for dessert” and “are we done with our plates” come across as somewhere between a creepy insertion of the server into the meal and insulting baby talk.
January 6th, 2010 at 8:21:08 PM
#1 pet peeve {which unfortunately goes without saying by too many restaurants} is “thank you”. If I don’t get a thank you by at least one person {other than server when presenting check} on my way out, that venue is forever on “my list”.
January 7th, 2010 at 1:39:32 PM
I especially agree with items 6, 7 and 8 on your list. I would also add that I’ve often been turned off to a restaurant by the host/hostess at the front desk. They need to remember that I can spend my dollars anywhere and first impressions are very important. Often the host/hostess acts put-off by drop in diners. If you can’t fit me in (or there’s a long wait) no problem, no need to act rude about it. I’m much more likely to make a future reservation at your restaurant if you’re nice to me.
January 7th, 2010 at 1:45:53 PM
These are great additions! Thanks everyone.
January 7th, 2010 at 3:35:54 PM
#4 is especially important in relation to always letting the guest dictate the order of service. Additionally, I find that many servers fill my wine glass too full for comfort. I want to be able to swirl my wine without the fear of the accidental splash.
January 11th, 2010 at 2:23:03 PM
In response to #9, I prefer the server to quietly leave the bill on the table so I don’t have to ask for it and it’s there when I’m ready to pay. One of my pet peeves is having to wait forever to pay when I and my dining companions are ready to leave.
January 11th, 2010 at 2:26:41 PM
I have a food Allergy (Gluten) and I find it incredibly annoying when I have to
explain what thisallergy is, to a server. So many restaurants have gluten-free
menus or list gluten-free options on the menus itself. I often feel like the servers
are thinking to themselves “why did you come here if you can’t eat pasta”?
Servers should be trained to be sensitive to peoples allergies and at least know
what GLUTEN is!!
January 11th, 2010 at 4:48:00 PM
I AGREE WITH 3,4, 6, 7, AND 9. WORKING IN THE RESTAURANT BUSINESS FOR MANY YEARS, I AM USUALLY MORE INTERESTED IN GREAT SERVICE THAN WITH GREAT FOOD.
I FIND THAT GREAT SERVICE WILL ELEVATE YOUR EXPERIENCE AND YOU WILL RETURN EVEN IF THE FOOD IS JUST GOOD. ALSO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION OF PRICE. IF YOU ARE PAYING TOP DOLLAR FOR FOOD YOU BETTER HAVE GOOD QUALITY PRODUCTS ON YOUR MENU AND GREAT SERVICE. TODAY THAT COMBINATION IS VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND.hOWEVER,i DISAGREE WITH #1. OCCASIONALLY A RESTAURANT MAY FALL BEHIND IN TIMING EITHER DUE TO KITCHEN PROBLEMS AND CUSTOMERS WHO WANT TO CHAT FOR HOURS AND UNFAIRLY SIT AT A TABLE ON A VERY BUSY NIGHT. YOU CANNOT ASK PEOPLE TO LEAVE BECAUSE YOU NEED TO TURN OVER A TABLE, SO WAITING 30 MINUTES AT MOST SHOULD NOT BE PROBLEMATIC. HOWEVER, IT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN EVERY TIME YOU FREQUENT THE SAME RESTAURANT. THAT WOULD BE THE EXCEPTION WHERE COCKTAILS OR DESSERT ON THE HOUSE WOULD BE APPROPRIATE. REMEMBER AS A GENERAL RULE THAT MOST OF THE TIME A RESTAURANT MANAGER/CHEF/OWNER WILL TREAT YOU WITH THE SAME COURTESY IN WHICH YOU TREAT THEM.
DR. T
January 11th, 2010 at 5:41:34 PM
Having dined in fine dining and also served, I find #1 and #10 incompatible, the reason you may not be able to sit at your seat within 15 minutes time “maybe” the table hasn’t left yet. Picking up the signed check maybe your ‘clue’ that this table is needed. Would you rather the waiter or manger ask if you would like buy that nice couple a drink? Why you ask? They had reservations and had to wait more than 15 minutes. #5 Good wait staff will tell you their name, let me tell you a polite “Karen” will get you greater service than whistling or flagging down someone down like they a 747. If you want a polite and respectful wait staff then give respect. People, who haven’t worked in the service industry, are amazed what good service I get when I treat the people that are serving you like people and not your personal servants.
January 12th, 2010 at 1:48:08 AM
Dru, if you mean you are upset when you don’t get a “thank you” from the paid staff at a restaurant then you need to unbind your panties and throw away your “list”. Don’t you realize those “thank yous” are typically gratuitous, unctuous and phony. Why do you so desperately need a stranger to “thank” you? A polite “good night” is enough.
January 16th, 2010 at 6:36:35 PM
I also do not agree with #10. Too many times the person who pays the check takes both copies of the credit card receipt, leaving the server with no tip. If they pay with cash, there might not be enough cash left to cover the bill. It might not be intentional but it happens quite frequently.
January 18th, 2010 at 3:26:59 PM
Regarding #4, I don’t want anyone refilling my wine glass without asking me. With wine I want to be able to keep track of how much I’ve consumed, and I hate it when I’ve emptied my glass and consider that I’ve finished my wine, then someone dumps more wine into the glass. Either I have to consume more wine than I intended to, or it goes to waste. Really, I prefer to pour my own wine – it’s called portion control.
Numbers 9 and 10 are also tricky. I don’t like having to ask for the check, especially if it means 10 or 20 minutes of trying to spot my waiter and get his/her attention so that I can request the check (I agree with CMarlin there). And I almost never get up and leave the payment lying on the table, even if it’s just a filled-in and signed credit card receipt. I want to KNOW that my server got the payment and it didn’t go astray. And I don’t feel “rushed” or “awkward” if the payment is picked up before I leave, as long as the picking-up isn’t immediately followed by a busboy who starts clearing the table while I’m still sitting there!
January 18th, 2010 at 6:32:03 PM
With regards to #1, Why do you think that you’re entitled to a free beverage is the table is not ready within 15 minutes? 30 minutes plus, maybe. It’s great if the manager wants to do that, but to expect it is ridiculous. Bars & restaurants are first and foremost a business, and a sure way to find yourself out of business is to give away your product. Which brings me to #2. I live in Chicago and don’t believe that there is ever a reason to order bottled water, but when dining in parts of the country where the tap water is not as good as it is here (Phoenix for example) I do like to have the option. Restaurants can charge for bottled water and not tap water so of course they are going to use that very subtle verbal cue. It’s called salesmanship. As a former manager & server I want you to spend as much money in the establishment as possible. As a frequent diner, I want the restaurants that I like to be profitable so that I can continue to patronize them. Number 3 is reasonable, number 5 is dead on, and I mostly agree with number 4. I can’t tell you how many times I have spilled all over my tie because the water was not kept filled and the ice was stuck to the bottom of the water glass and came crashing into my face when I went for my drink. I know that it is proper wine service to keep the wine glasses full. In many restaurants you’ll get an overzealous server or busboy who dumps half a bottle of wine into your glass filling it to the rim; this I would call bad service. I prefer to pour my own wine after the initial taste and don’t mind at all if that’s what ends up happening.
Numbers 6&7 go together. I personally despise having dirty plates sitting in front of me or anywhere on the table for that matter and prefer it when they are taken away as soon as I am finished whether my dinner companions are finished or not. I also know that this is a personal quirk, so if this doesn’t happen I don’t get all up in arms.
Number 8 – Are you serious? Are you sure that your server isn’t just trying to build rapport? Perhaps trying to seem friendly in order to enhance the experience or tip?
Number 9 – In the US and especially big cities, and notably NYC people are generally in a rush. I hate it when I have to flag down the server to ask for a check, if they put the check on the table and I’m not finished it just sits there, it doesn’t hurt anyone.
There’s just no way that a server can comply with #10. Having served and managed, you simply have to check the bill before the patron leaves. If the patron doesn’t sign the credit card receipt, they can easily challenge the bill through the credit card company. If the restaurant doesn’t have a signed and fully completed copy, then the charges are going to be reversed 100% of the time. This kind of thing happens all of the time. Many establishments will make the server pay the bill in these situations.
Looking at these 10 “unwritten rules” tells me much more about the author than it does about good service. An evening out to dinner goes something like this: Arrive at a crowded restaurant, when we aren’t seated immediately (because the restaurant is crowded) you sidle up to the bar and try to get a free drink. We sit down but by the time we’re through with the wine list it’s become clear that you have no self esteem; you are made to “feel bad” because you ordered “just tap water” and although the restaurant was so busy that we had to wait more than 15 minutes for our table you’ve gotten snippy with our server because in he/she couldn’t read your mind and figure out that you’re one of the 2 out of 100 people that knows anything about wine. The wine comes, we have our first glass and order dinner. The restaurant is packed, but you can’t be bothered to extend your arm and pour yourself a second glass. You sit there stewing until I pour it for you. I finish my glass of water and ask the server to send the busboy over with more when he has a chance, it is busy tonight after all. You begin to whine about how awful the service is. I begin to think about how quickly I want the evening to end when the appetizers come. You continue to crow about how awful the restaurant is while I enjoy my half of the appetizers. I’m finished with my half and you would be too if only you’d stop complaining and put some food into your big mouth. The busboy takes my plate and dirty silverware away, this really sets you off. You call over the manager to complain, and as we’re finishing our entrees he/she comes over to see how everything is going. As you rehash all of the complaining that you’ve done for the last 35 minutes, I text message a friend telling him to call me with an emergency so that I can bring the evening to a merciful end. The manager sends over a comp dessert and as we’re finishing coffee the server drops the check by our table, and looks at our clean plates and offhandedly notes that we sure must have liked dessert and that is his/her favorite. You scowl, I guess that the therapist that you’ve been seeing because you have “body image issues” is going to be working overtime next week. I quickly pay the bill which the server checks for accuracy at the server station. It turns out that I forgot to sign the receipt, and he/she catches us on the way out the door. I must have been in a rush thinking about how I was going to end the evening as gracefully and quickly as possible.
January 18th, 2010 at 9:26:26 PM
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful feedback!
I’ve found the responses to #10 to be particularly interesting. Now I can understand a bit on the part of the restaurant why it might be important to take the bill before the customer departs. I hadn’t thought of it that way.
I also found it interesting how many customers prefer to pour their own wine. While I don’t think this rule goes for the majority of people, it’s good to note. Though I don’t think that a waiter who disappears and never refills a glass is intentionally doing it, assuming the customer would like to pour for themselves.
@Kris I am referring to a situation when one has a reservation and the table isn’t ready, not when you enter a crowded restaurant without a reservation and then have to wait. If I arrive on time for a booked table it should be ready or I can wait a reasonable amount of time for it to be (15 minutes or so). Anything over that should be apologized for and I think a complimentary drink is a nice way to do so. Sure restaurants are a business. Another way to boost business is to make customers happy, they’ll be more inclined to spend money on that visit and any subsequent ones.
With regards to the comment about water, I disagree because I don’t think a waiter is a salesman. It’s service first and foremost and the waitstaff is there to support the customer, not to push them towards higher ticket items. Anything else is insulting and doesn’t encourage a return visit. At least from me.
Your other personal jabs are unfounded and have no place here.
January 26th, 2010 at 12:03:58 PM
I totally agree with comments 6-8. It’s so rude to take all plates away and leave one person alone to finish his/her meal. I waitressed at a less than top-end restaurant while I was in college, and even there we were told not to clear until everyone had finished eating. But far worse than that – to ask the people who have finished if they want dessert while someone at the table is still on the entree!
January 27th, 2010 at 4:24:23 PM
Hello Erika, and thank you for your tips. As a former server and a manager of a Cafe’ I would love to add that in such a setting servers need not give too much information about their personal life to the customer. The server should keep conversations limited, light and positive.
On another note it was very refreshing to find that I’m not the only one who truly and genuinly cares about the customer. Thanks.
February 4th, 2010 at 4:21:05 PM
After reading this blog it is clear that you have not worked in the restaurant industry before. I waited tables for about six years until I recently started a new career.
I really do believe that everyone should work in the restaurant industry at some point in their lives. Working in a restaurant, especially on the service side really shows you to be more appreciative and respectful of others that are doing a “service” for you. Most of all it will give you some manners.
Maybe you should spend a week waiting tables and then take a look at your blog again. I guarantee it comes down. Not to mention the fact that anyone that has worked on the service side of a restaurant will argue any one of those 10 Unspoken Rules.
I have learned to treat others the way I know I would like to be treated.
I don’t even know how I came across this blog, but reading it I was disgusted. It is nothing but arrogant. It is quite clear that you have never had to work for what you have.
Clueless and embarrassing…
February 4th, 2010 at 4:41:26 PM
@Holly Thanks for your comment. If you take a look at the other responses, you’ll see there are many people that agree with me, so I have to respectfully disagree with your insults. I should also point out to you that I have worked in a few restaurants before in my life, so your assumptions are false.
February 5th, 2010 at 2:38:04 AM
Hello,
I too have a blog and understand why one would want one. Having a blog u should know that you are putting your self out there for critism and compliments.
With that being said I feel that your statements or unsaid rules have a valid stance but do very much vary depending upon the place, the server, the guest as well as the time period in which u are dining.
If you demand above and beyond service, Then tip above and beyond
People who often dine out frequently such as Erika, tend to treat the server with such an attitude because they feel that great service is “owed to them” and even when u make them bend over backwards for you…you still only give them 10%.
I also hate having dirty glasses and plates on the table so I love when they are cleared away from me. My mother on the other hand eats very slowly and feels rushed and un easy when others are finished and cleared before she is done.
I drink wine alot and I understand the wine procedures, but when I am sharing a bottle of wine with someone I would prefer to have it poured for me by the server because you are paying for the bottle and the service. I do not want to feel like a gluten or alcoholic by constantly pouring myself.
People who dine out and expect free things should go to the super market because u get more for your money there. Nothing is free, just like u can spend your dollar some where else…well some times you should because having a happy, conciderate customer is just as important as having a happy conciderate server.
As a server, we ARE in sales…we want to SELL you are best stuff on the menu. No we dont want to rip you off but if we can make the bill higher, we WILL because sparkling water does not come with free refills. Bigger check, Bigger tip.
Lets face it, WE do not spend time in a resturant for fun. WE would rather be the one at the table being served but this is what “WE” do for a living so please do not sit at my table or in MY section for hours during lunch or at the end of the night when I AM trying to close up or flip the table.
Yes, i said “Flip a table”. Thats not saying that you “the paying customer” doesnt deserve to sit, it just means that “WE” the people at work, need to make as much money as possible that day, that shift.
Please go to a diner if u want to sip coffee or tea. I do not go to your job and take up space in your cubicle and make it harder for you to work, IM JUST SAYIN
TREAT YOUR SERVER WITH RESPECT AND “WE” WILL GIVE YOU RESPECT. Believe me, having a “cool” table is the best kind. So please keep that in mind next time you dine.
Thank You
June 1st, 2010 at 2:09:46 AM
These are not unsaid rules. These are your poorly founded opinions.
Number one is silly. You cant possibly expect to be seated at your reservation time every time. If it works out great, but the restaurant can only estimate as to how long the prior diners will be enjoying their meals. I do believe you emphasized that you don’t appreciate being rushed, not even for other diners with an approaching reservation? Number two depends on the restaurant. If you are dining at your finest local french spot, then maybe it is appropriate for a bottle of water to be delivered instead of a glass of water. I cant imagine a restaurant that would make you pay for something you point out you didnt want. Number 3, do not be so sensitive. Respect the role of the server, after all, it is their job to be knowledgeable. Ill will buy four and five, but six might be pushing it. It depends on the restaurant. If several people are sitting at a crowded table and one is clearly done then I dont believe it will hurt to have a dirty place removed from the table. Seven falls in with six. Eight I find particularly amusing. Again, try not to be so sensitive. If a waiter or waitress comments on your lack of remaining food it is probably to point out the fact that you must have enjoyed it, not that you are a pig. Nine is absolute garbage. I do believe it goes against proper etiquette to wait until the bill is requested to deliver it and as such is considered rude. It is okay to drop the bill anytime after the dessert/coffee has been offered/denied or delivered. And 10: As with any credit card receipt, it is the issuers responsibility to ensure they have procured a signed copy. Without the signed copy there is no evidence that you ever actually used a card to pay for the meal.
Erika, after reading your “unspoken rules” it is painfully obvious you are an amateur diner and you truly have little idea what you are talking about.
June 15th, 2010 at 9:07:35 PM
Question guys. Is it serve from the left and clear from the right in fine dining or vice versa? I feel idiotic just asking this question. Thanks!