“I miss the days when we made fun of wine snobs for saying that a wine was ‘ingratiating without being obsequious’.” So proclaimed LA Times columnist Joel Stein in a 2008 article titled “Sip, and Shut Up.” The article was a critique of what Stein saw as the excessively micro-style of many wine reviews—reviews that listed every single flavor and aroma detected but never went on to say anything larger and more interesting about the wine.

He had a point. While it’s good for a reader to be exposed to all the aromas, flavors and textures the reviewer detects in a wine, it’s  the figurative language—the metaphors and broader comparisons—that makes the review more engaging, entertaining and, often, more revealing.

One of the most common and most entertaining forms of figurative language in wine reviews—as demonstrated in Stein’s comment—is personification. You’ll find anthropomorphism on almost every page of our Buying Guide.  The wine you’re considering might be a fun and bubbly Prosecco, a big and loud Napa Cab, a sultry and sensual Burgundy or an immature adolescent (from any region really), who needs a few more years to get his act together.

I was inspired to create five wine “personalities,” based around a fairly common adjective in wine review writing. There are of course many more out there—including entire genres yet to be explored (As Stein points out, Gary Vaynerchuk once referred to a wine as Roger Clemens because it seemed “overly pumped up.”). Feel free to offer some of your favorite wine personifications. Here are the ones I came up with.

Big and muscular: the Athlete
Athletes comes in all shapes and sizes, from the big powerhorse quarterbacks (See  Nickel & Nickel 2005 John C. Sullenger Vineyard Cabernet )  to leaner, more elegant dancer types (See Château Giscours 2005 Barrel sample Bordeaux Blend ). Which ones are best is a matter of personal preference though it’s generally agreed that the beefier, bodybuilders can be overbearing and, occasionally, clumsy and oafish.

Earthy: the Hippie Wine
Most people find hippies quite lovable. Most people also agree though that hard-core hippies—the ones who eschew deodorant and bathing on a regular basis—can be a little unpleasant, or—to use another common wine term—“funky” at times.
See JLC 2004 Spofford Station Estate Syrah (Walla Walla (WA))

Sultry, moody, dark: the Troubled Artist (or the Sensual Seductress/Lothario)
Though too intense for some people and/or situations, no one can deny that brooding artists are complex, soulful and, often, highly seductive creatures. See Muratie 2007 Shiraz (Stellenbosch)

Easy, fun, playful, easygoing: Everyone’s Friend
While not known for intellect or conversational depth, the guy or girl who’s  friends with everyone is predictable, rarely moody and fun-loving, so he/she always does well at parties (unless the gathering is of the intellectual, serious variety).  Of course, if you’re seeking more substance the excessively easygoing might come across as vacuous and vapid.
See Solemar 2006 Pinot Grigio (Delle Venezie)
Also see Funky Llama 2009 Chardonnay (Mendoza)

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