If I had the power to change the wine world I would send one type of wine drinker to therapy. It’s a personality type we have all come to know and loathe. Let’s call them “The Misinformed Know-it-All”. Let me tell you a story:

“Côtes du Rhône Is a Grape”
A friend of mine was recently in a wine shop in Brooklyn, perusing some Côtes du Rhône. He asked the clerk about the varietals in a particular bottle and the clerk replied “That’s the grape, Côtes du Rhône. It’s a French grape.” My friend tried to politely inform the clerk that Côtes du Rhône is a region in France, but the clerk adamantly insisted that Côtes du Rhône is in fact, a grape. Rather than humbly admitting fault, he clung to his misinformation with both hands.

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These days, everything seems to be a little easier thanks in large part to the internet. What used to take days, weeks, even months of digging through dusty papers and fragile microfiche in the library is now at your fingertips via online archives and resource sites. The phone book I had delivered to my house last week?… a good fire starter considering I have a handy app on my smartphone that doesn’t leave my fingers black. And of course it’s almost too easy keeping up with friends and family through the use of email, blogs and social media sites like Twitter and Facebook.

But one of the best reasons to love social media these days is the opportunity to follow people and events all over the world without leaving the comfort of your living room.

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Disclosure—no, not the Demi Moore-Michael Douglas 1994 movie that made Pahlmeyer Chardonnay a star—is one of the buzzwords of the Internet age. Everyone wants it, and everyone seems to feel like they’re not always getting enough of it.

Today, rather than rattling on about what levels of disclosure I feel are appropriate in wine criticism/journalism, I want to know what levels of disclosure you, our readers, expect.

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The Australian Wine Research Institute (AWRI) has recently come up with a PinotG Style Spectrum, which is supposed to tell consumers what kind of Pinot Gris they’re getting, on a scale that ranges from “crisp” to “luscious.” As an industry response to the multitude of Pinot Gris styles now being made in Australia, it makes sense as shorthand, so that prospective purchasers don’t have to actually read descriptive back labels or know how to interpret technical notes.

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They converge upon the Colorado Convention Center with such number and force, one never knows what to expect. Hotels are flooded with everyone from beer-belly twenty-somethings to groups of women looking to broaden their knowledge and affluent couples traveling from abroad with the event as the only item on their itinerary. The city of Denver becomes filled with locals and tourists alike, all carrying little 3 ounce tasting glasses with the same ubiquitous logo as the countless banners that adorn the streets.  With 462 breweries pouring over 2,200 beers, there’s a reason this event is listed as one of the top 1,000 places in the US to visit before you die and is the Guinness World Record holder for the most beers tapped in one location as well as the largest selection of American beers gathered together on the globe.

The Great American Beer Festival: need I say more? 

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Always a popular summer destination, the Hamptons promise a beautiful warm weather getaway for city dwellers and tri-state residents alike looking to get away from the grind without the necessity of hopping on a plane. Located on the South Fork of Long Island, New York, there are gorgeous beaches to choose from, fabulous shopping opportunities and a bevy of food and drink options to cater to every crowd of any preference. While there are a plethora of wineries located on the North Fork, and some situated on the South Fork (like Wölffer, Channing Daughters and Duckwalk), my most recent trip out to the Island focused on trying new restaurants across the Hamptons to recommend. Here’s what I came up with:

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I recently had a serious flirtation with Argentinian Torrontés. The first few of these whites I tried (from Colomé, Lurton and Tomero) were rich on the palate, like Viognier, but cut with precise acidity; they exhibited floral and fresh citrus flavors—sometimes lemony, sometimes orangey or melony—and a nutty undertone. I enjoyed (though did not necessarily admire) every bottling I tried. Michael Schachner, who reviews the wines of Spain and South America for WE, warned me that I was heading for a fall, but I didn’t listen. And yes, Torrontés broke my heart.

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One of my favorite things to come out of the rise and proliferation of social media is the online or synchronized tasting. Whether it’s for wine, beer or spirits, online tastings have become one of the best ways to share the same bottle and informative experience with hundreds or even thousands of people simultaneously all over the world. Through the use of networking sites like Facebook and Twitter as well as personal blogs and organizational sites, people can share comments and opinions about a beverage and learn from participating representatives or producers all from the comfort of their home. Aside from being there one on one with the respective producer, what could be better than that?

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“I miss the days when we made fun of wine snobs for saying that a wine was ‘ingratiating without being obsequious’.” So proclaimed LA Times columnist Joel Stein in a 2008 article titled “Sip, and Shut Up.” The article was a critique of what Stein saw as the excessively micro-style of many wine reviews—reviews that listed every single flavor and aroma detected but never went on to say anything larger and more interesting about the wine.

He had a point. While it’s good for a reader to be exposed to all the aromas, flavors and textures the reviewer detects in a wine, it’s  the figurative language—the metaphors and broader comparisons—that makes the review more engaging, entertaining and, often, more revealing.

One of the most common and most entertaining forms of figurative language in wine reviews—as demonstrated in Stein’s comment—is personification. You’ll find anthropomorphism on almost every page of our Buying Guide.  The wine you’re considering might be a fun and bubbly Prosecco, a big and loud Napa Cab, a sultry and sensual Burgundy or an immature adolescent (from any region really), who needs a few more years to get his act together.

I was inspired to create five wine “personalities,” based around a fairly common adjective in wine review writing. There are of course many more out there—including entire genres yet to be explored (As Stein points out, Gary Vaynerchuk once referred to a wine as Roger Clemens because it seemed “overly pumped up.”). Feel free to offer some of your favorite wine personifications. Here are the ones I came up with.

Big and muscular: the Athlete
Athletes comes in all shapes and sizes, from the big powerhorse quarterbacks (See  Nickel & Nickel 2005 John C. Sullenger Vineyard Cabernet )  to leaner, more elegant dancer types (See Château Giscours 2005 Barrel sample Bordeaux Blend ). Which ones are best is a matter of personal preference though it’s generally agreed that the beefier, bodybuilders can be overbearing and, occasionally, clumsy and oafish.

Earthy: the Hippie Wine
Most people find hippies quite lovable. Most people also agree though that hard-core hippies—the ones who eschew deodorant and bathing on a regular basis—can be a little unpleasant, or—to use another common wine term—“funky” at times.
See JLC 2004 Spofford Station Estate Syrah (Walla Walla (WA))

Sultry, moody, dark: the Troubled Artist (or the Sensual Seductress/Lothario)
Though too intense for some people and/or situations, no one can deny that brooding artists are complex, soulful and, often, highly seductive creatures. See Muratie 2007 Shiraz (Stellenbosch)

Easy, fun, playful, easygoing: Everyone’s Friend
While not known for intellect or conversational depth, the guy or girl who’s  friends with everyone is predictable, rarely moody and fun-loving, so he/she always does well at parties (unless the gathering is of the intellectual, serious variety).  Of course, if you’re seeking more substance the excessively easygoing might come across as vacuous and vapid.
See Solemar 2006 Pinot Grigio (Delle Venezie)
Also see Funky Llama 2009 Chardonnay (Mendoza)

“Rum is my enemy.” I have a friend who claims that as his motto. And if you were to hear his stories of waking up in strange places, heaving all over a friend’s bed, insulting his host, punching a nun….you, too, would consider rum your enemy.

I think a lot of us have forms of alcohol that we really can’t even think about, let alone drink, so horrendous was an early experience. For me, it’s martinis. For a lot of people it’s Tequila. But I would encourage all of us to face our fears.

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